literature

Quakes

Deviation Actions

DailyBreadCafe's avatar
Published:
603 Views

Literature Text

    The only thing telling me I wasn’t dead was the hand that reached into the cage and caressed my sun-burnt skin. Cool droplets of rain kissed my back as I lay face down on the hard ground. With every breath I sucked up more dirt; my throat was painfully dry and my chest ached to collapse. But I didn’t have the energy to sit, or even roll my head to the side.

    “What’s wrong with that one? Why is he taking up an entire pen?” The voice was rough and agitated but I couldn’t bring myself to look up.

    “He’s sick, sir.” A pause. “He drank from a river on the way over. I didn’t want him to but he was wea--”

    “You let them drink downstream?” There was a sharp sound like wood against skin, accompanied by a yelp. “Are you going to give me back what I paid for them? Are you?”

    “Please sir, that one was free.” The hand squeezed my own. “He came with the other one, they couldn’t be--”

    “Married.” The man paused and the hand moved over the ring on my finger. Eyes burnt my skin like the sun. “Did you bring what I asked for?”

    Gravel crunched slowly underfoot. Cautious steps. “Sir, I brought a few serving boys… but that one, he was the main--”

    “That’s what you brought me?” Another slap. “You, look at me.” Shoes struck the metal bars of the cage repeatedly, getting harder each time. The hand shook me lightly. “I said look at me.”

    I raised my head as high as it would go in the direction of the voice, but found that the master was much closer and stood further to the left than expected. I vaguely remembered his clothing belonging to one of the old high street brands. It’d been a while since I’d seen anyone wearing something that wasn’t stained or ripped. He rubbed the stubble on his chin and his dark eyes softened.

    “Oh…” he mumbled, and for a moment he seemed to stumble over his words. My neck ached and gave way, letting my head thump back against the ground. “Oh. He is pretty, isn’t he?” The hand tightened its grip on my own. “Open the door. I want to see my purchase.”

    A rusty hinge screeched and shoes shuffled around me. The hand held onto me so tight that it hurt. I choked on a groan as the hand released me and was replaced by a rougher pair that dragged me across the dirt face down. “For God’s sake, lift his head up. Don’t ruin his face!”

    A voice yelled something that I couldn’t quite hear; it sounded so far away. A hand jerked my head upwards so that the heat of the sun scolded my face. I opened my eyes and found the master staring down at me, one hand wiping the sweat off his forehead and the other one under my chin.

    “Oh, it is a shame.” He let my head flop back down before turning on his heels to walk away from me. “I give him 12 hours. When he dies, throw him in the pit with the other bodies.”

So, this was going to be the first chapter to a novella-that's-now-threatening-to-turn-into-a-novel. I think we've promised to upload a little taster for long enough, so here it is. We've decided to start somewhere else, so this is just a bit of redundant fluff but it sort of gives you an idea of what we're writing. 

Anyway, your opinions are welcomed. There's loads of things we've noticed, but since we've decided to throw this and go with something else, feel free to give general advice more to do with style/concept/characters/amount of description etc that we can imply to other chapters too. Advice specifically tailored to this piece might be a bit pointless (sorry) so i wouldn't recommend leaving us a line by line critique edit. 
Questions:
Intrigued or not?
What do you think to the main character, honestly?
Any comments on what's working/isn't working?
© 2014 - 2024 DailyBreadCafe
Comments54
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Rose-Em's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Hey, it's me from <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/g/r/g…" alt=":icongrammarnazicritiques:" title="GrammarNaziCritiques" />, although I'm pretty darn sure you know me by now, hey?

I believe this is the second piece of yours that I have reviewed, which is something I've been looking forward to as I quite enjoy your flash fiction, m'dear.

Intrigued or not?

Very intrigued. I think the main thing that spoke to me about this story was not the message on slavery and the suffering in it, but the fact that this piece of fiction is timeless. You can't exactly place where and when this happened. Perhaps I'm seeing some sort of unintentional statement on past and present human trafficking?

What do you think to the main character, honestly?

Honestly, I can't say much towards him. All we know is to a sick buyer, he's pretty. Although maybe that's the charm in this main character as he's not only just a somebody, but he's relatable to many of the thousands in slave labour.

However, I can't lie and say I don't feel sorry for him. It's a very powerful moment when you say, "Married." It really adds this whole new layer of the reader wanting to fight for your main character.

Any comments on what's working/isn't working?

What's working as I said before is making this sort of flash fiction timeless. You're taking this character and even with a vast amount of description, you've never stamped a real date or place to where it is.

I find this very impressive as you can see writers taking the opposite approach to something like this. A lot of the time, they will try to remove description in order to make it seem like it's anywhere at anytime.

Very lush, very descriptive and it's always a pleasure to read your work. (So maybe I'm a little biased.)

Naktarra