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Right, so this is an edit of a previous piece. I'm keeping this at 2000 words, no higher -- which is quite a jump because the previous version was almost 3000 words. This version runs a lot more smoothly, though. 

I'd really like some feedback on this, but if you're going to suggest adding, please also suggestion something that could be taken away in its place.

A few questions:

1. Do you think this story applies to the theme "journeys"? I was trying to do something metaphorical with that, but i'm not sure it worked out. 
2. Are the transitions smooth?
3. Is the first paragraph a good enough hook?
4. Is the ending satisfying?
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giccgic's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

1. Yes, life is a journey and it is well expressed through seasonal childhood memories.

2. Transitions were just fine.

3. First paragraph certainly has a lot of potential to hook the reader.

4. Ending was really good, the nurse was so kind and caring while Jacob was trying to forget about his past problems but still couldn't get over hurting people he loved.

I liked how Jacob watches the birds fly around and pretends that they are here to visit him, it shows how desperate he is no matter how hard he tries to hide it. However, this caught my attention: It used to be pigeons that cooed on the windowsill. He closed his eyes and tried to forget about the pigeons, about the brown blur and the cooing noises that became panicked squawks. Why repeat the word pigeons instead of for example word them. Considering others already pointed out some typos I have nothing else to add except that this think is a great and enjoyable piece.